In the early nineties, when I considered myself a conservative, the
movement had a different vibe. For example, Rush Limbaugh was actually
funny. Back then, Rush presented his listeners with an upbeat and
positive persona that belied the fact he was apparently blowing out his
eardrums on prescription meds at this stage in his life. His lampoons of
liberals and democrats, if not informative, were at least delivered
with good timing and panache. Rush would eat steaks and smoke cigars on
the air. His musical parodies were on par with the Daily Show or Colbert
Report from our present time. My personal favorite spoof was a song
called “sensitive 90’s guy”. Musical comedy is not easy, and El Rushbo
deserves credit for this if nothing else.
As with any hero, my friends and I tended to invest far more significance to the pronouncements that emanated from the golden EIB microphone than Rush’s limited scope and intelligence warranted. The biggest dittohead in my peer group, let’s call him Carl, was also the most conservative among us as well as being the biggest loudmouth I have ever met (those of you with right-wing friends will no doubt be familiar with this trifecta. If you are a conservative, and you don’t know a person like Carl, then you are probably that person).
Carl referred to himself as a born-again Christian. I say referred because, for Carl, Christianity seemed to exist mostly for the purpose of making Carl feel superior to others. In order to pick up on this, one had only to listen to Carl act out his trademark fantasy in which a pious Muslim or Hindu, or even a Catholic, would die and ascend to heaven to meet with God only to be told, in a southern drawl, that “That’s real nice buddy, but there’s just one problem, y’see, I ain’t Allah”( or Vishnu or the virgin Mary) before being dismissed to their eternal damnation.
After high school, Carl went to an evangelical college where, if my memory serves me, he majored in Napoleonic history. Once, while we were driving around listening to Rush on his car radio, I asked him what he hoped to do with a BA in this subject. Carl replied “Once I get my degree I WILL be given a PODIUM,” (you could hear the capitals). “Then I’m going to point out how the liberals are trying to turn this country into a communist regime through Greenpeace and the Democratic party.”
It all sounds ridiculous now, a couple of pretentious assholes trying to make themselves feel important. But we were young men. Neither of us had girlfriends, and the idea of defeating communism still resonated a little with my generation. At any rate, saving the country sounded a whole lot better than masturbating to a tits-and-ass movie on Cinemax, which was closer to reality.
Carl eventually got a divinity degree and worked for some time as a holy man of some variety. I once came across a youtube video of him teaching his flock that they could rest assured Christianity was true because so many of the early Christian fathers held on to their belief even when they were tortured and crucified. If it was a hoax, Carl’s argument ran, they would have admitted it in order to get out of jail. I almost looked him up then to point out that, if a willingness to die for one’s beliefs substantiates that belief, then he had probably backed the wrong horse since the attackers of September 11th were no doubt the most devout believers on that day. In Carl's video, there was a crucifix in the background, so I assume he has not converted to radical Islam, though if he did, I have reason to believe that he would find himself right at home in their midst.
A couple of years ago, I heard through the grapevine that, while he was ministering to the faithful, his wife left him and his parishioners fired him for being single. I’m not sure if he is still a minister or even a believer and I don’t much care. A few weeks ago, I saw a clip of Rush on CNN. He was still ensconced behind the mic., but the panache was gone. He was giving commentary on the newest Herman Cain Accuser, Sharon Bialek, and his argument consisted of calling her “buy-a-lick” and making disgusting slurp noises into the golden microphone. I have long since moved on from Rush and his cronies, but I couldn’t suppress a twinge of sadness for the guy. Maybe he just hadn’t got his fix that day.
As with any hero, my friends and I tended to invest far more significance to the pronouncements that emanated from the golden EIB microphone than Rush’s limited scope and intelligence warranted. The biggest dittohead in my peer group, let’s call him Carl, was also the most conservative among us as well as being the biggest loudmouth I have ever met (those of you with right-wing friends will no doubt be familiar with this trifecta. If you are a conservative, and you don’t know a person like Carl, then you are probably that person).
Carl referred to himself as a born-again Christian. I say referred because, for Carl, Christianity seemed to exist mostly for the purpose of making Carl feel superior to others. In order to pick up on this, one had only to listen to Carl act out his trademark fantasy in which a pious Muslim or Hindu, or even a Catholic, would die and ascend to heaven to meet with God only to be told, in a southern drawl, that “That’s real nice buddy, but there’s just one problem, y’see, I ain’t Allah”( or Vishnu or the virgin Mary) before being dismissed to their eternal damnation.
After high school, Carl went to an evangelical college where, if my memory serves me, he majored in Napoleonic history. Once, while we were driving around listening to Rush on his car radio, I asked him what he hoped to do with a BA in this subject. Carl replied “Once I get my degree I WILL be given a PODIUM,” (you could hear the capitals). “Then I’m going to point out how the liberals are trying to turn this country into a communist regime through Greenpeace and the Democratic party.”
It all sounds ridiculous now, a couple of pretentious assholes trying to make themselves feel important. But we were young men. Neither of us had girlfriends, and the idea of defeating communism still resonated a little with my generation. At any rate, saving the country sounded a whole lot better than masturbating to a tits-and-ass movie on Cinemax, which was closer to reality.
Carl eventually got a divinity degree and worked for some time as a holy man of some variety. I once came across a youtube video of him teaching his flock that they could rest assured Christianity was true because so many of the early Christian fathers held on to their belief even when they were tortured and crucified. If it was a hoax, Carl’s argument ran, they would have admitted it in order to get out of jail. I almost looked him up then to point out that, if a willingness to die for one’s beliefs substantiates that belief, then he had probably backed the wrong horse since the attackers of September 11th were no doubt the most devout believers on that day. In Carl's video, there was a crucifix in the background, so I assume he has not converted to radical Islam, though if he did, I have reason to believe that he would find himself right at home in their midst.
A couple of years ago, I heard through the grapevine that, while he was ministering to the faithful, his wife left him and his parishioners fired him for being single. I’m not sure if he is still a minister or even a believer and I don’t much care. A few weeks ago, I saw a clip of Rush on CNN. He was still ensconced behind the mic., but the panache was gone. He was giving commentary on the newest Herman Cain Accuser, Sharon Bialek, and his argument consisted of calling her “buy-a-lick” and making disgusting slurp noises into the golden microphone. I have long since moved on from Rush and his cronies, but I couldn’t suppress a twinge of sadness for the guy. Maybe he just hadn’t got his fix that day.
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